If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
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last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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