Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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