Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
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Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
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Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
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