just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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