Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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