so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Girls should come with a carfax report
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
