does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
