I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
