I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
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