Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
