it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
