She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
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After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
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Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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