rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
