I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
