Pants 0. Shit 1.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
