I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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