I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
