Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
