I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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