someone get that fucking seahorse.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
