you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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