Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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