well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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