hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
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