I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
