he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
