help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
