why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize
