All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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