Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
