I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
