I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Sober January is a disaster.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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