You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
