Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
