Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
bring money and cleavage
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
