I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
