i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
