i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
