Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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