he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
