I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
