Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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