I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
