Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
