she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My ass is underappreciated
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