I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
