there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
