I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
