We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
