Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my being single is dangerous.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
