Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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