Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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