As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
