I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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