haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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